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stalker.

Losing best friends.

oh hello. again, here is my story about how i lose my best friends.

since i was 13 (2007), i have bunch of friends that always stick with me. talking about weird stuff. laughing over silliest thing ever. selalu buat kerja bodoh sama sama. balik sekolah sama. pergi sekolah sama sama. ponteng solat sama sama. bahan orang sama sama. kena denda sama sama. study sama sama. tengok wayang & lepak semua sama sama. semua benda sama sama. dan bila makin lama. our cycle of friends makin bertambah. ada lelaki & perempuan. keadaan makin berubah. bila naik form 4 (2010). macam macam jadi. full of ups and downs in our friendship. but we are still close sampai habis SPM.

after SPM (2012), everything has changed. kawan baik perempuan aku in love with dengan kawan baik lelaki aku. since aku sekolah rendah sampai habis spm. they decided to be together. weird thing is, both of them buang aku. anggap aku tak wujud. bila aku ajak lepak, dorang mengelak. kalau kawan baik perempuan aku ni had a fight with her bf mesti dia cari aku balik. and i was like a fool akan comfort dia. bagi dia kata kata semangat. because that's just me & dorang baik balik. and leave me all alone again. yes.

2012. aku ingat tahun ni sampai bila bila. because that year, i was drown into sadness. i was drown into darkness. and no one is willing to help me that time. i was a broken person. i was. i am stronger now because they left me. yes, they left me because they don't need me anymore in their life. i was fine at first. but then, aku rasa macam kenapa sial aku kena layan macam ni? apa salah aku? apa aku buat sampai aku kena layan macam ni? maybe they didn't pushed me away. but the way they treat me. its really different. dari cara aku dah nampak. aku tak cakap aku tak bersalah langsung. tapi atleast aku tak pernah buang kawan kawan. bila aku dah sayang orang tu, sampai mati aku sayang. tapi kalau dah kena macam ni, aku dah benci.

2012 highlight dalam life aku bila aku rasa macam aku ni tak guna langsung dalam life. i have no one. i have no friends at all. well i mean, close friends. best friends. that could share stories and stuff. nope. i don't have any. and it hurts a lot. to get through everything, alone. aku bukan kuat mana pun. at some point aku kena juga paksa aku kuat & hadap benda bodoh ni sorang sorang. sabar je aku mampu. setiap kali aku teringat dorang, aku rindu. pada masa yang sama, hati aku dah benci. just because they are in love, they could throw me away from their life? kejam gila. serious kejam gila. ada ke manusia macam tu dalam dunia ni? abaikan kawan sebab jumpa bf/gf baru? lama lama aku pun dah malas nak fikir pasal kawan.

losing my best friend can often be harder than losing my partner. is it not your best friend above all others who is there for you when times get tough? so what do you do when your best friends leave you?

the hurt and loss of a best friend leaving can often be far harder than you might think. relationships with a partner end and we are in many ways not prepared for that. it might hurt like hell but it is par for the course. friendships however are a completely different matter. we never expect that our closest confidante will up and leave us. it just is not conceivable. it does happen though.

kadang kadang kehilangan kawan baik lebih perit dari kehilangan kekasih. 
tanpa diaorang dalam hidup kita tak akan ceria seperti sekarang.

don't you guys hate it when they promise you they'll always be there for you, 
and love you no matter what and then they go off and replace you.

the friendship just dies. here today, gone tomorrow. it’s scary how easy it can happen, how simple it is to disconnect yourself from someone’s life. you just remove the plug. bye bye.

since then, i wrote depressed & sad writings all the time. it heals me, somehow.

then i got into form six. to pursue my STPM. one year & half in form six. i met bunch of nice, supportive and caring friends. but deep inside, i know that i shouldn't get my hopes high on them. they are different. they are so nice to me. but they couldn't replace my ex best friends. and yes, i am not thinking to have a best friend. i am just being friendly and nice to people. and after school, i will do my own things. i don't know. pain changes me. i am different person now. i can't wait to prove them wrong.

finally, i am done with my STPM on December 2013. i had a great year. full of bittersweet memories.

2014. i am finally change into a happy person. enjoying my life. always do what makes me happy. and focus on what matters in my life. all of a sudden, one of my ex best friends tried to reach me. and asked me to hangout with her. because she broke up with her boyfriend. all over again. 2 years, she left me. now she is coming back. asking me to heal her broken heart. to make her laugh.

at first, i don't know how to react. i don't know what i should do. it took ages for me to accept her back in my life. not as a best friend. but as a friend. yes just friend. i don't want to get close to her. but she always ended up making me feel guilty like the way she treats me. it's really different.

why? why i talked to her? after so many things happened? because i need to forgive. i need forgive what people have done to me. in order for me to move on. aku dah maafkan dia dah lama. bukan sebab aku apa apa. sebab aku nak mula hidup baru. i tried to comfort her and stuff. because i believe, kalau orang tu nak kau lagi dalam hidup dia, dia akan usaha nak cari kau & dapatkan kau balik, sebab kau adalah sesuatu untuk dia, dan masa tu, kau boleh decide whether untuk terima dia, bagi dia peluang kedua, atau suruh dia jangan kembali lagi dalam hidup kau. cukup apa yang dia dah buat. kita sentiasa ada pilihan kan?

aku pilih untuk maafkan dia. bukan sebab aku nak dia dalam life aku. sebab aku nak bagi dia peluang untuk berubah. perangai bangsat dia, dia boleh buang jauh jauh. jadilah manusia yang lebih baik. kalau aku tak bagi dia peluang, siapa lagi nak bagi peluang kan? as long as dia tunjuk effort nak berubah. dan aku pun tak nak berharap lagi. cukuplah apa dah jadi. aku dah lali. i don't want to get my hopes high. really.

so, pain changes someone, kan? you will grow stronger. and better. and wiser.
just hang in there. let them be. Allah kan ada? sabar itu penting.

i read back all my all blogposts since 2007. everything i wrote. all about them. about how happy we were. how we used to be so close. every single thing. i wrote. how quick time flies. i decided to delete all of my old blogposts. i need to start fresh as a person. they left. what should i do? nothing. if they want me back, i will be here for them. if they don't want me back, it's okay. i don't mind. i am fine being all alone.

right now, i only have one true best friend, she is a girl. i am more than blessed to have her.
she is kind. she is lovely. she is funny. she loves me. she accepted me the way i am.

aku ni susah nak berkawan dengan orang. 
tapi bila ada kawan tu aku jaga sampai mati. 
tapi adat hidup yang rapat dengan kita akan pergi jugak.

betul lah, orang yang dah hilang dan pergi dalam hidup kita, 
akan digantikan dengan orang lebih baik. percayalah.

when i think of all the people who once meant everything to me and now mean nothing, i get a little sick to my stomach. i wonder how it could’ve happened and why things couldn’t have stayed the same.

but still, i believe in His plans. always.

life is an adventure.
just get ready. for it.

5 comments:

Dyra Baharudin said...

Lebih kurang sama jelah pengalaman kita :')

Nur Antasya said...

Ya Allah, kenapa story ni sebijik macam saya punya? I was so lonely when I argue with my bestfriend and up until now we're not as close as we were before :/ sedih ggilaaa :'(

Anonymous said...

Daripada apa yang saudara tulis. Saudara mempunyai ramai kawan. Bukan hanya 2 orang. Jadi tak menjadi isu bila 2 orang kawan saudara bercinta. Saudara masih mempunyai kawan2 yang lain. Apa yang saya tak faham, kenapa bila 2 orang bercinta boleh merosakkan persahabatan saudara antara kawan2 lain. Hairan

Anonymous said...

I cried so hard reading this. Thank you, thank you so much for being an inspiration to me and others. You have no idea how many people you've help from drowning. Thank you. May Allah bless you for your kindness. I wish you the best in life. f.a.

Anonymous said...

mekuhi konghiju cunut tatawok gotima salko talkos bastur